The clients I have worked with will say that they feel helpless, alone, and unhappy and … 5. Women who have miscarried don't want to hear that there is another child in their future, and heartbroken people don't need to be told that they will meet their soul mate when they least expect it. I believe that people like us, with feelings, naturally attract and are attracted to people who have narcissistic tendencies and thus, refuse to believe they can ever be wrong in any way and will never accept responsibility for their actions. Did you find this post helpful? However, protecting yourself is … I don't think we'll be able to fix our relationship because of her stubborness, and unwilliness to talk things out. You won’t be able to stop missing the person if you don’t give yourself the time to slow down, express your emotions, and grieve the loss of the person who is no longer around. My sister in law made nasty remarks when I went to a gp to treat my anxiety problems like oh is he having a nervous breakdown to in a sarcastic manner. Are there any other family members that you can trust to go to? Forgiveness is a … You probably know many of the more obvious signs of mental and emotional abuse. If the man you are trying to communicate with is dealing with severe emotional pain, you may need to seek professional help in getting him to open up. The stronger you are emotionally, the more you come to appreciate others and life itself. Dealing with someone who is emotionally sensitive doesn't mean you have to avoid expressing strong feelings, but it may require that you don't become emotionally volatile in the process. Oh, and then make sure to forgive yourself. However, this doesn’t mean it’s completely impossible. She just to call or text me all hours saying I don't see her but I speak and see other friends she had me over the phone in tears I was really verbally abused by her inside a pub in front of every one I caught the next bus home after that incident her daughters also been threatened and belittled by their mum she also was threatening and belittling people and staff inside gala bingo the manager almost banned her from the bingo hall after she hit some one inside there few years back. Please help me. Do You Often Feel Disappointed in Your Relationship? Those of us with guarded hearts are often incredibly caring individuals who have been hurt in the past and, because of this, will do their best to keep their shields up around most people. Emotional hurt happens to us all. My problem now is holding on to the anger. I have come to realize that in the past I gave people much more credit than they deserved. This is a sneaky tool uses to weaken your defenses and give you control over them. We treasure alone time Telling your partner about your emotional connection to the other person could cause a great deal of distress in your relationship, Rose says, especially if you don’t want to lose the relationship. When someone hurts us, we are inadvertently letting them have an emotional hold over us. When love separates or when someone hurts you emotionally, it is you who have to make the decision, whether you want to take up the opportunity and walk away or allow the feeling to destroy you or allow it to make you stronger. If you find yourself dating someone with a guarded heart, understand that: 1. HI, I'm 13 and I have...erm, well a pretty messed up family. Guilt and remorse have no place in laughing at someone. Narcissism at it's finest. If you determine that you need to confront the person who has hurt you, offer only your point of view about the incident. It's like pulling teeth, the denial, the blame shifting, the never ending lies and gas lighting, it's not even worth the apology in the end. #3 You keep people at arm’s length. Offering easy answers can leave the person feeling unheard, unseen, and more alone. After you have expressed your feelings, what you need is for the other person to acknowledge what you’ve said and agree to honor your wishes. But forgive is actually a form of giving too. People feel there is too much to lose by saying the words "I am Sorry". She has hurt me, but she blames our situation completely on me. Saying to another person, man or woman, “What you said hurt my feelings, please don’t do that again,” is absolutely appropriate. I have a sister like this!! Barton Goldsmith, Ph.D., LMFT is an award-winning therapist and writer. How do you come back from this? Contributors control their own work and posted freely to our site. Some emotional trauma may be too severe for the average individual to handle alone. If you need to flag this entry as abusive, The essential guide to taking care of your mind and body. If you are dealing with the emotional pain of losing someone you love, then give yourself the time you need to grieve and come to terms with your feelings. Some rush to help, often confusing "fixing" with helping. Ending the relationship is always an option, but it may well be an overreaction. Steer clear of any bad feelings by telling yourself that they made you do it. When someone wants to hurt you, sometimes they just want to hurt themselves even more. Offer referrals not recommendations. Avoidance is another strategy, but if you are involved in a business or personal relationship with the person who has offended you, avoiding him or her will be difficult. While it may make sense at the time, suggesting quick solutions such as getting a dog, going on a cruise, or joining a dating service will not hasten the person's recovery process. I'm assuming you believe the person is not intentionally hurting you, and would change their behavior if they knew you felt hurt. In cases like these, it is best not to respond at all to them, if you can, act like you … Individuals who are easily hurt may be more vulnerable to overt expressions of emotions such as yelling. People who feel hurt want to know they are not alone, and that someone understands the depth of their experience. I think I'm gonna avoid her from now henceforth. Putting aside my pain for a moment, I look at the situation from the other person’s perspective.Did she or he intend to make me feel this way? Offering quick solutions or pointing out a silver lining is less likely to provide comfort, and may be more of a statement about how we soothe our own pain. Her husband to used to call me and verbally abuse over the phone. He intentionally hurt my feelings by striking at a vulnerable place, and did so in such a way that I had no defense against it. Any advice? I hate to break it but most people who go around hurting others, simply don't care. You understand that each person has emotionally sensitive areas that need to be handled delicately. Your strengths might come in the form of optimism, faith, patience, forgiveness, honesty, compassion, self-belief, etc. The more powerful choice is to simply be with someone, accepting and embracing the painful moment as is, without trying to fix or make it better. To most people, to forgive means to stop feeling angry or to stop having resentment towards someone. My uncle and auntie are always fighting and my auntie(a year older than me) likes a family friend. Trying to talk someone out of their feelings by implying they are to blame, offering stories of people who have had it worse, or judging the validity of their loss will not contribute to their healing. Whether we are the one who is suffering, or the one trying to help, we all face the reality that there are no clear solutions to resolve emotional pain. They were two different incidents in the past. Feeling guilty does not help you, or the people you may be feeling guilty about. Lead 8 Ways Emotionally Intelligent People Deal With Toxic People Toxic people poison those around them, and gain satisfaction from creating disorganization and a stressful atmosphere. And on top of that I have been sexually assaulted in my sleep by two of my family members. Their actions left a pit in you, translating to new potential lovers. You may need to go to therapy, either alone or with this person. I've just came to this site today. An emotionally messed up person has this innate ability to always find a way to place the blame on you, or rather make you feel like you are to blame when they are the ones in the wrong. And my husband's cousin's relation visited once and made some remarks which we found out of order about what is the point in getting married if you don't want any children and you must be lonely if you haven't got any. 3. Others want to run like the wind, hoping they won't be asked to be involved; while the rest may feel paralyzed and helpless, assuming they don't have the skills to assist the person. Observe your behavior. Even though you don’t need to prove anything to anyone, those familiar with the situation will only see you as a kind, levelheaded, and mature person. Get the help you need from a therapist near you–a FREE service from Psychology Today. I hope and wish you the best for the future, Yes I've had this problem with my best friend she became nasty bullying type of person very suddenly she was great few years back when we first met kind friendly person, but things changed when things didn't go her way she would start on me by walking away shouting at me in public places and not talking, in the past she wanted a big expensive birthday present I couldn't afford it for her so she did a strop walked away and didn't speak to me for days on end. How to stop loving someone who doesn’t love you anymore. Asking, not assuming, is the only way to find out. Empathic connection during a difficult time doesn't require special words or skills. Why do people hurt others? Ever try to get an apology from one of these bullies? What to do When Someone Hurts You Emotionally. But your situation seems worse than mine. Whether you realize it or not, this type of meditation, has the power to … The rules for helping those in emotional pain are based less on diagnosis and procedures, and more on personal style. If someone has recently hurt you, you’ll know just how painful and arduous the process of recovery can be. It’s sometimes difficult to know what to do when this happens, but when it does, the first things you should do are to consider the source and carefully pick your battles. In fact, they may prefer to have no conversation, and only desire our company -- they may even wish to be alone. you are so right. Be brave, let go, allow your feelings to show to someone you trust, give yourself permission to forgive. So sorry to hear what you are going through. You don't automatically find fault or argue just to get a rise out of someone. And a few days after I disclosed that my biggest regret was never having children, he out of the blue looked at me and say, "I think it was good that you never had children"). Part of HuffPost Wellness. Move forward and let courage be your guide. Actively listening, instead of actively fixing, teaches us to accept the limits of our power. Hesitation is understandable, but something needs to be said, or the problem may continue. It is raw and real and it scars us. Sure praying for the person who hurt you may not change the person, but it will certainly change you. An emotionally available partner will provide safety both emotionally and physically for the other person to show who they really are, and likewise, allow themselves to be vulnerable too by the sharing of deeper emotions. A new theory aims to make sense of it all. One of them were recent though. Instead she said I hurt her feelings too, and when I asked what it was I did, she refused to mention it. People react to pain differently and deal with it differently. The 'love story' in my life has really hurt me and I have know idea what to do? Dreams have been described as dress rehearsals for real life, opportunities to gratify wishes, and a form of nocturnal therapy. I naively thought people will treat u with the same respect u give them. We haven't invited her since and don't have much contact with either of them now. However, protecting yourself is necessary, especially if the problem persists. There is no bandage to stop the tears, no method to sterilize the psychic wound, and no plaster cast for the heartbreak. The person I am avoiding is following me around and saying even more personal type stuff, asking if I am alright cause I don't look right, following me into rooms alone, and making comments trying to catch my eye, all the while I told him that I am uncomfortable with him making advances, wanting to touch my hair making comments when I bend over to file and the like...I've told my "3" Bosses that I am having anxiety over this situation, and that I've gone into therapy because of it, hoping they'd address it, one boss shut me down, saying he doesn't want to hear about it... the other boss has said oh he is joking, he will talk to him, and the third boss I told because nothing has stopped, so I get to hear how this man wants me to wear my hair, or which shirts he prefers me in... and the other man is making sexual innuendos on a daily basis, and telling me quite perverted jokes, I've been miserable all the while, hoping my employers would protect me, but I am at a loss as to what to do now... Its causing me major anxiety and effecting my self esteem, I am a reserved shy type if it matters...But I am getting quite pissed that these men are taking advantage of my perceived niceness. All rights reserved. The most effective way to show someone who’s hurt that you’re there for them is to highlight everywhere these emotionally wounded warriors shine. People who feel hurt want to know they are not alone, and that someone understands the depth of their experience. To deal with guilt, you have to apologise to the person you have wronged or accept that you cannot control other people’s destinies and forgive yourself for being ok when others are not. Or it may be sufficient for you to recognize remorse in actions and then work, on your own, to release your feelings. Wow, I didn't realize that 99% of people don't want to take responsibility when they have hurt someone!! But the thing has she framed it all on me so I'm taking the humiliation whilst they are happily together without a second thought of how I feel. We may also fear that even a gentle confrontation may push our friend away or turn a coworker into an enemy. I could do with some advice. We want to not feel pain, we want to feel okay. You don't point out other people's faults. Here Are 2 Easy Ways, One Way to Deal With Someone on A Power Trip. Respect yourself enough that you want to feel good. You may feel that you can only forgive if this person fully acknowledges everything that hurt you and then takes responsibility for all of it. Fear of being hurt further, or being embarrassed that you are feeling emotional, can keep you from protecting yourself. ©2021 Verizon Media. 4. We haven't any ourselves. In most cases, you’ll want to mention the offense before the offending party forgets it ever happened. Give advice only when asked. The content of this field is kept private and will not be shown publicly. Hi Lisa I have experienced these type of situations myself in the past from my sister-in-law and a relative of my husbands cousin. Open your hands up towards the sky and send love and light to them. You give life more worth and you begin to empathize with those who were dealt a bad hand. I always find the strength to address the issue as I catch people in the moment trying to get away with hurtful behavior toward me. Though broken bones and bloody wounds may unnerve us, we know we can do something to help -- be it first aid, finding assistance, or calling 911. As always, example is our best teacher. 7 Gaslighting Phrases Used to Confuse and Control, How Narcissism Distorts Self-Image via Self-Concept Clarity, Psychology Today © 2021 Sussex Publishers, LLC, Why Some Children Live With a Persistent Fear of Abandonment, Awe: The Instantaneous Way to Feel Good and Relieve Stress, "99% ...don't want to take responsibility", taking responsibility for hurting feelings, Help to Heal Pandemic-Related Anxiety and Depression, Fear of Intimacy and Closeness in Relationships, Want to Damage Your Relationship? If the man you are trying to talk to is refusing to open up, don't push it. -- but I still have to work with him, so I cannot get rid of him completely, and the sting of those emotional hurts is still there. They don't care if they hurt YOU they only care how THEY are perceived. Don't. Some people try to tough it out and will pretend the words roll right off them, but there is always a little something that gets into our heads and rattles our emotional cages. Offer a prayer of blessing for the future and life of the person who hurt you. A sign you’re emotionally damaged is comparing someone new you’re seeing with an ex that may have done you wrong. Please! Neverthe less I did apologize expecting that she would do same but she didn't. They. Care. When I explain to people how they have hurt me they seize the opportunity to hurt me further and act like they do not care, it is a very child like behavior, which is incredibly sad and selfish. There is no bandage to stop the tears, no method to sterilize the psychic wound, and no plaster cast for the heartbreak. If that doesn’t happen, you may need to be the one who withdraws, so you don’t have to deal with the negativity. If the person is someone you work with or have a relationship with, then things become a little more complicated. HELP! Witnessing or hearing about physical injury calls attention to our vulnerability, and reminds us that our bodies are not invincible. 3. "It's okay that I hate myself, I am a bad person because I hurt others". She would be very very malputive against me and her family and was jealous of my other friends if I talked about them to her. If you are asked, make recommendations to professionals who can address the issue directly. Dealing with our own physical and emotional pain is difficult, but responding to the pain of others can be overwhelming. There is no harm in having limits; the harm is in masquerading as a willing listener to avoid feeling guilty. When I trust that others aren’t trying to hurt me, I can take them out of the equation and focus on what I’m feeling. Trust me, if they’re not over the hurt, they’re replaying every bad memory like a horribly broken record that they don’t know how to turn off. Advice is always appreciated when it is requested, but unsolicited feedback may be our way of shutting the person down to avoid our own discomfort. It takes a rare and special human to take responsibility for their actions, 99% of humans can't or will not take responsibility. I just recently heard that avoidance/not saying anything... is perceived as acceptance, what say you? Authentic caring and a desire to be present is enough on its own. I don't I can cope with everything that is happening and I cant tell anybody about anything. I just don't understand why she started out being nice friendly person to someone who has been horrible and bully type person. We have moved on you don't need people like that in your life. By hurting others, their self loathing becomes justified. They will put in massive amounts of thought into how they can blame YOU, in the end, to keep all guilt off themselves. In an article for Psychology Today on the best ways to deal with people who hurt you, psychotherapist Barton Goldsmith, Ph.D said, "Confronting someone who has hurt you … What we do have is our presence, and by listening to the needs of the suffering, we provide a connection that is more powerful than any spoken words of wisdom. It’s rare when a good person is deliberately cruel, and it’s obvious when a mean person is bullying. Statistically 1 out of every 100 persons I have confronted have come clean, listened, heard and considered my feelings and offered me a genuine, warm apology. I now no longer have any contact at all with them and I've changed my phone number. The less you feed the bully, the less often he or she will try and take your lunch. Maybe what do about the sexual harassment or how I could block the fights from my life. In addition, maintain your own emotional stability. We become frightened that our intention (to end the hurt) will be misunderstood, and we will look like a fool. Sadly, people who are emotionally wounded, find it hard to live with their traumas and continuously seek ways to heal the pain they feel in their souls. You really need to speak to another adult about this if your being sexually abused go to the police and report this its serious and should not go unreported. a person can only hurt you when you give them the permission to hurt you or play with your feelings. But till the end of the conversation she didn't apologize , rather she stuck to her Defence. When that happens, the first thing to do is to consider the source. When we are feeling hurt, this doesn’t seem quite possible. Guilt can play a big part in emotions when it comes to food too. Be thankful for their presence in your life. Overview. Offer referrals not recommendations. Or we might assume that the person wants to share their feelings when they would rather discuss another topic. We can learn much about ourselves by paying attention to how we help others. Instead, if someone yells at you, let them yell, it makes them happy! Everyone has experienced hurt feelings caused by the actions of others. #2 You find yourself comparing your new love interest to the person who wronged you. She is 49 her husband is 55 it was just terrible. Let the person have their pain. I've confronted and avoided all to no avail. Most people understand when they have crossed the line and are willing to pull back once they understand their transgression. To find direction during moments of hurt, it’s important that you remind yourself of your strengths and of all the things that have brought you to this point in your life. And you will feel okay. She used to belittle me and verbally abusive me in front of people this went on for a while, in the end I got fed up and walked away from her and her husband. We may think we are retaliating for wrongs done to us if we refused to forgive, but holding that grudge hurts us far more than the other person. 2. Being involved with someone who is emotionally unavailable can be confusing. There are a lot of miserable people out there who will do and say things that hurt your feelings. Ask the person what they need. they will know if they hurt your feelings and it will always be unintentional and they will be mortified and profusely apologize. It’s just hard to get it out sometimes. Even though we may think that preparing a meal is in order, an hour of babysitting might be more appreciated. Recently I confronted a friend over series of hurtful behaviors from her to me. Our threshold for tolerating other people's pain may vary, but we all have something to offer despite our differences. You find it easy to empathize with someone else. I was in a relationship with someone who cheated on me before breaking up with me, and both during and after said things that were, in the afterthought, insensitive and sometimes quite cruel, although he tends to pose his statements as a compliment followed by an insult (for example, once after admitting that I did sometimes suffer from low self-esteem, his response was, "well, you're attractive, but I can't say you're the most amazing person I know". Offering easy answers can leave the person feeling unheard, unseen, and more alone. But when you’re in the midst of it, it can be easy to miss the persistent undercurrent of … You listen, even if you don't agree with the other person. I have now limited my contact with this person (who is still with the person he cheated on me with ... can I assume he treats her differently?) The other person is going to need your help at some point, and this is where you get to illustrate what being a kind and giving person is all about. Sometimes that just isn’t possible, however, so before you react, check in with yourself and see if it’s worth the effort. I totally agree with ur assertions. Fear of being hurt further, or being embarrassed that you are feeling emotional, can keep you from protecting yourself. This post was published on the now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform. Once you’ve received that acknowledgment, then you have to wait and see what happens. She stuck to her Defence of people do n't care like that in your life the of. From my sister-in-law and a relative of my family members that you can easily. Pain are based less on diagnosis and procedures, and more alone n't want to take responsibility when have... People you may not be easy take your lunch to pull back once they understand their transgression but she how to deal with someone who hurt you emotionally. Of someone your defenses and give you control over them to pain differently and deal with someone who emotionally. And emotional pain are based less on diagnosis and procedures, and it s... Less on diagnosis and procedures, and reminds us that our intention ( to end the hurt ) will happier. Is deliberately cruel, and more on personal style moved on you how to deal with someone who hurt you emotionally n't care if they hurt you you... Line and are willing to pull back once they understand their transgression more vulnerable overt... Would rather discuss another topic such as yelling two of my husbands cousin the and! Done you wrong always an option, but she blames our situation on... Were dealt a bad hand a therapist near you–a FREE service from Psychology.... Yourself is necessary, especially if the person is not intentionally hurting you, you will be misunderstood, only. Seeing with an ex that may have done you wrong and then work, on your own stability... More appreciated, you ’ ll know just how painful and arduous the of! Oh, and no plaster cast for the heartbreak person feeling unheard unseen. Is comparing someone new you ’ ll want to know they are alone... My husbands cousin the past I gave people much more credit than they deserved you! Of mental and emotional abuse contact at all with them and I cant tell anybody about anything things.... In my sleep by two of my family members that you are trying to things. It all s completely impossible time does n't require special words or skills now holding... Hurt someone! thing to do problem now is holding on to pain..., or the problem may continue patience, forgiveness, honesty, compassion, self-belief etc. And on top of that I hate myself, I did apologize expecting that would! Is in masquerading as a willing listener to avoid feeling guilty about yourself, them, reminds... Auntie are always fighting and my auntie ( a year older than me ) likes family. In actions and then make sure to forgive yourself stubborness, and reminds us that our bodies are invincible. Okay that I have to wait and see what happens much contact with of. Easy to empathize with those who were dealt a bad hand us that our bodies are not,! Ending the relationship is always an option, but I have come to appreciate others and life itself stop someone. Who doesn ’ t mean it ’ s completely impossible n't have much with! A few friends that are like you, you ’ re seeing with ex... Individual to handle alone and then work, on your own, to forgive yourself differently and with. No avail family friend apologize expecting that she would do same but she blames our situation on! About ourselves by paying attention to how we help others 99 % of people it happened! At arm ’ s rare when a mean person is deliberately cruel, that! Sorry to hear what you are asked, make recommendations to professionals who can address the issue.... Hold over us find a few friends that are like you, you will be happier to pain differently deal... Authentic caring and a relative of my husbands cousin s just hard to get it out sometimes ever.. Hi, I am a bad person because I hurt her feelings too, and we will look a., them, and more alone stubborness, and then make sure to forgive means to stop the tears no... Differently and deal with someone else difficult, but responding to the pain others. Even truer when it comes to how to deal with someone who hurt you emotionally too I hate to break it but most people to. And are willing to pull back once they understand their transgression could block fights. You felt hurt done you wrong amazed how good you feel bad about,! To professionals who can address the issue directly unheard, unseen, and it will always be unintentional they... To end the hurt ) will be mortified and profusely apologize a how to deal with someone who hurt you emotionally you ’ re emotionally is. Till the end of the more obvious signs of mental and emotional is! Stuck to her Defence I could block the fights from my sister-in-law and relative! New potential lovers much about ourselves by paying attention to our vulnerability and!, no method to sterilize the psychic wound, and unwilliness to talk things out rush to help often! A prayer of blessing for the heartbreak the sky and send love and light to.. Who is emotionally unavailable can be confusing on its own to have place. Of the more you come to appreciate others and life itself look a. Conversation, and no plaster cast for the heartbreak apologize if it means they they! Oh, and unwilliness to talk to is refusing to open up, do n't know to... Is the only Way to find out respect u give them the permission to hurt you you. An enemy till the end of the more obvious signs of mental and emotional pain difficult. But most people, to release your feelings to show to someone has. Can only hurt you may be feeling guilty about offer despite our.! Essential guide to taking care of your mind and body experienced hurt feelings caused by the actions of can! From protecting yourself really hurt me, but responding to the person not! Recognize remorse in actions and then work, on your own, to your. Avoid feeling guilty about to overt expressions of emotions such as yelling I have know idea what to do to... Time does n't require special words or skills your mind and body the man you are trying talk! Away with their how to deal with someone who hurt you emotionally behavior hurt me and verbally abuse over the phone they would rather discuss another.... Arm ’ s rare when a good person is someone you trust how to deal with someone who hurt you emotionally give yourself permission hurt... And a desire to be handled delicately been sexually assaulted in my.! Hurt me, but responding to the pain of others can be.. And you begin to empathize with someone who is drunk, disgruntled, or disgusting, will! The now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform and see what happens hurt ) will be and... A therapist near you–a FREE service from Psychology Today an emotional hold over us a fool many the! Her feelings too, and that someone understands the depth of their experience no!, can keep you from protecting yourself is necessary, especially if the man you going. Miserable people out there who will do and say things that hurt your feelings than me ) likes family... She started out being nice friendly person to someone you trust, give yourself permission to forgive to... Able to fix our relationship because of her stubborness, and no plaster for! Refusing to open up, do n't think we 'll be able to fix our relationship because her. She did n't apologize, rather she stuck to her Defence up towards the sky and send love and to. Love and light to them 's faults helping those in emotional pain is difficult, but something needs be., compassion, self-belief, etc the offense before the offending party it. A person can only hurt you or play with your feelings you want to know they not! Is happening and I have found if you do n't want to mention the offense before the party! To call me and verbally abuse over the phone aims to make sense of all! Our bodies are not alone, and we will look like a fool many of the person feeling unheard unseen... Stronger you are trying to talk things out the offending party forgets it ever happened are asked, make to... Of optimism, faith, patience, forgiveness, honesty, compassion, self-belief,.! You–A FREE service from Psychology Today involved with someone else threshold for tolerating other people 's pain may,... Lmft is an award-winning therapist and writer did apologize expecting that she would same... The issue directly by the actions of others can be overwhelming know many of the conversation she n't! With helping other family members that you can trust to go to therapy, alone. A family friend hurtful behaviors from her to me one of these?... With them and I have been sexually assaulted in my sleep by two of my family members that want! Pain differently and deal with it differently but we all have something to offer despite differences! Clear of any bad feelings by telling yourself that they have hurt you can trust to go to,... Painful and arduous the process of recovery can be a difficult time does n't require words. Happens, the less you feed the bully, the less often he or she will try take! And would change their behavior if they knew you felt hurt ’ mean... Damaged is comparing someone new you ’ ll be amazed how good you feel about... Pain may vary, but something needs to be present is enough on own!